Reflect

 I tend to do a lot reflecting, in case y'all haven't noticed. And maybe reflecting isn't the proper word. Reflecting I feel requires a lot of looking back AND think about what happened and sort of analyze it. I more so reminisce a lot and that reminiscing is followed by some reflection. 

Hence, here we are. A beautiful Sunday afternoon, writing a blogpost in Porter Park. I'm sitting at a table, almost directly across from Kainoa's. I can't help but stop and look around me. There's a church building adjacent to me. Straight across is another young man, reading something on his phone. I see a family with their young daughter and a dog, a memory that I hope I can someday have for myself. I see friends laying in hammocks and friends playing spike ball. I see cars driving by, going to various places. 

As I look around at all these people. Each individual creating their own memories of (hopefully) joy and happiness. The family that will forever remember the beautiful Sunday they spent at the park with their daughter and dog. The friends who will remember the afternoon spent playing spike ball or laying in their hammocks. And now it makes me stop and reflect on the many memories I have made this year.

Thank goodness for my constant posting on my story and for Instagram archives because I know a year ago today, I was running on the BYU Idaho track. Around this time last year, I had decided to start exercising again, which did not last long. I regret not sticking with it. I miss it and had a ton of fun.

I think about and reflect on the time I got hired at Costa Vida. I had just left a toxic job and was scared to open a new chapter in my life. I didn't know what life had in store for me. But, reflecting on it. I am forever grateful that German gave me a chance. I am forever grateful that he decided to hire me. Working at Costa Vida has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. I have created wonderful bonds with my coworkers and we have created many memories together. We laugh and joke around together at work. It's an environment I could have only ever dreamed about having at Taco Bell. As I reach my year mark of working there, I am reminded every day of how blessed I am and how the Lord was looking out for me. 

I continue to look back at my Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks. My parents came up for both and we just created so many wonderful memories with my family. Onesies, snowball fights, dinner, hikes, movies, and much more. I am reminded that I have a wonderful family and think about how much I cherish them. My countless vacations with them and road trips and I just couldn't be more grateful. 

As I look back on this past year, I have to stop and think about my trip to Florida. I reflect on the joys I had with my parents. It was one of the best vacations ever. I got to spend a week with my parents and enjoy my time with them. I reflect on how grateful I am to have them as my parents. I am grateful for the laughs we shared and the memories we made. I was originally supposed to go to New York by myself. I am so happy that I instead went and spent quality time with my parents.

Once the new semester started, I was nervous. I was moving to a new complex and didn't want to make friends all over again. Thankfully, I met so many new people at my complex and continued to stay friends with my old friends. I am so happy that I was able to make new friends. I ended up meeting so many people that I still see occasionally and I am blessed for having such a great ward and roommates. I think about how it was a great semester and so many memories were made.

I struggled with making close friends and these past few months has brought 3 close friends into my life.

I met Jess while working at Costa Vida. She was a new employee and after my desperate attempts to find someone to go see Dr. Strange with me, she reluctantly volunteered. She quickly became a good friend and one that I could go to for anything. We went on walks at 1 am and talked about life. We would go on drives and just sit and talk. She became a friend that I didn't know I needed. And I am grateful for all the time I have been able to spend with her. She's been a great friend and one that I can go to for everything. 

Before I get onto my next list of friends, I need to discuss my second trip. I reflect on my short trip from just a few weeks ago and how much fun it was. I went to Disneyland, Knott's, Seaworld, Seattle and Portland. I loved this trip. It was much needed. I was able to spend some more time with my parents and create memories with them. I will cherish the time I had with them. I am grateful for being able to see two more musicals and spend a day with my cousin and her family in Portland. I just can't imagine anyone better to spend my time with than family. I ended up thoroughly enjoying this vacation and I'm so grateful I decided to follow through and do this.

As summer began, I was nervous I would have no one to hang out. No one that I was super close with was staying and I was scared to have a boring summer. That's when Mikaela and Becca come into play. Becca has been my coworker since I started working at Costa Vida, but we never really talked. Mikaela and Becca (who were already best friends) came into work a few times, while I was working and we all became friends. And I can't express how much this friendship means to me. It's exactly what I needed this summer. It has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. We had a blast at the drive in. The three of us spent 6 hours together swimming, eating, shopping and baking cookies. At the end of that evening, we were all just sitting there in silence, but it made me happy to be in the presence of friends and it made me feel good about myself. Since then, sadly Mikaela has left us for school and Becca has been stuck hanging out with me, but I'm grateful for the bond we have created. I can actually say confidently that I enjoy summer and the memories I've made because of them. The laughs we've shared, the pictures taken, and the smiles created. This summer has been one of the BEST summers I've had in a while because I became friends with them. Reflecting back on the few weeks it's been, I know it's definitely been a tender mercy in my life and was not an accident that I met them.

As I continue looking back, I can't help but just continue to think of the small things. I went to a Big Time Rush concert last week and had a blast. I think it was amazing to see my childhood band perform and that I was able to spend the day with friends. 

As I have reflected on these various events and people who have entered my life, I think about how it has made me a better person. I have become a stronger person and everyone in my life has always been there to uplift me and build me up. My reflection takes me several different places and I am able to ponder on what a wonderful life I have filled with so many amazing people. Most importantly, I think about many of the blessings in my life would not have happened if I didn't get hired at Costa Vida when I did and didn't have such an amazing job there.

Always try and reflect on your life and the blessings in it. Think about those who have contributed to your life. Think about those who have made a positive impact. Think about the events that changed you for the better or made you stronger. I promise that you'll find more to life when you ponder and reflect. Enjoy the moment and when you're struggling, look back at all the good in life and what it has brought you. You won't be disappointed when you strive to look for the positive.

You never know how happy it might make you to reflect and reminisce. 

The Savior Will Carry You

 There's a poem which reads:

One night I dreamed a dream.

As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,

One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,

especially at the very lowest and saddest times,

there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,

You'd walk with me all the way.

But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of may life,

there was only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you

Never, ever, during your trials and testings.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then THAT I CARRIED YOU."

I've heard that poem many times, but now two Sunday's in a row I have either heard this poem at church or seen it on social media and it has motivated me to create this blogpost. This poem is inspiring and beautiful. And I feel the need to share my thoughts on it.

I have encountered this many times throughout my life. The many struggles I have faced and trials I've gone through, whether public or private, where I felt the Lord abandoned me. Times where I was sure He wasn't real. Times where I was positive He left and didn't care for me. This past year especially, there were multiple times I felt lost, confused and hopeless. 

I look back on this year and I see those footprints. I see the positives. I see my happy times. I see the good memories made. Within the past year, I remember the snowball fight I had with my family. The trip I took to Florida with my parents and going to a waterpark with them. The time I got hired at Costa Vida. The walks I went on with a friend. The time spent in Portland with my cousin and her kids. The dates I've been on. My science class in the spring. My roommates. And I see two footprints. The Lord was walking with me during all those times. I can only imagine the countless times He smiled at me as He saw the joy I was having. After all, that's all He wants. He wants us to make good choices and be happy.

However, I look back at memories and look at the times that I only saw one set of footprints. The darkest times. The times where I felt hopeless and useless. I see the times I cried for hours. I see the times I sat praying and hoping for an answer. I see the time I sat on the floor of the Taco Bell bathroom crying for 5 minutes. I see my encounters with the rough roommate I had last fall and winter. I see the rejections. I see the time I was told I may not be able to continue teaching. I see the time where my family went through the roughest trial of our life, not knowing what was ahead of us. And again, I see one set of footprints.

Many of these instances, I recall crying and feeling pain. I agonized over many of these instances and wept, just wondering where the help was. I spent countless hours venting and talking to my friends and family. And spent a lot of time seeking help from the Lord. Help that I thought wasn't there. Help that I thought would never come. Help that I thought abandoned me. 

Seeing that one set of footprints makes me wonder why I would have to do this alone. Makes me stop and think why the Lord would abandon me. Makes me question if Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there. Makes me question my worth. Through all my praying and pleading for help from God, was His answer, "You don't matter my child"? 

Then I remember that I never truly was alone during those times. As I sit and think, those times where there was only one set of footprints, were easier than they should have been. They weren't as difficult as I thought they were in the moment. And most importantly, as I look back at those times, the greatest blessings of my life came from those and I came out a better person in EVERY SINGLE one of those instances. 

I sit and think about the time I spent agonizing over whether or not I should quit Taco Bell. I think about it and realize that as soon as I broke down on the floor of the bathroom, the Lord picked me up and carried me. He gave me the strength to quit. He gave me the strength to move on to better things. He had been by my side the whole entire time and once He realized I couldn't handle it anymore, He lifted me up. He carried me until He knew I was stable enough to walk on my own again and knew that I could handle things. He carried me through those times.

When my family was going through a hard time, He carried me, He carried every single one of my family members, until He knew we were safe. He did this until we had the strength to keep moving forward. He didn't abandon us, He held us up and walked us through it. 

The Lord knows when we are too weak to walk by ourselves. He knows when life just throws too much at us and we need to rest. He knows when we need Him. He knows. 

I love that during our darkest times, we can be reminded that we are not alone. When we only see one set of footprints, that doesn't mean we were abandoned or forgotten. That means the Lord sensed that we were struggling and sensed that we needed His help. Without any hesitation, He is there to pick us up and carry us to safety. He will carry us before we even ask Him to carry us. He will lift us up and make sure we are not left alone. 

In life, when you feel you have reached the darkest of times. When you feel like the Savior has left you on the side of the road, or has left you at the grocery store, remember He is carrying you. He is taking upon Himself the trial. He is saving you from the hardest part of the trial. He knows and understands what you faced and He knows it will get worse. To prevent you from having to suffer the worst part of the trial, He has decided it's most important to pick you up and face the trial Himself. And for that I am forever grateful.

This past year has turned me into a stronger person. I honestly can't express how different I am. I am happier. I am more positive. I love life. I love those in my life. And I love my Savior more and more everyday. I know that there won't be two sets of footprints all the time. For all I know, the Savior may need to carry me again tomorrow. And that's ok. If the Savior needs to carry me for a whole week, I know He is more than willing to do so. And I will look at that single set of footprints and smile. I will smile knowing that I was being carried by the Savior during that time.

When you are struggling and when you feel lost, hopeless, confused, angry, useless, and you feel like giving up, always remember THE SAVIOR WILL CARRY YOU.